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'You think prison’s hard? I’ve done 68 Hallmark movies': Lori ‘Loco’ Loughlin shows her prison cellmates Julian Assange, Michael Avenatti and Takeshi 6ix9ine who’s boss in hilarious SNL cold open

Saturday Night Live’s cold open mocked the slew of celebrities and high profile public figures who have been arrested, indicted, or sentenced to prison in recent weeks, including Lori Loughlin, Julian Assange, Michael Avenatti and Tekashi 6ix9ine.
The sketch is a send-up of MSNBC’s documentary series Lockup, which details life inside prisons and jails across America.
‘Now that the Mueller report turned out to be a big fat zero, we’re back to prison shows,’ the narrator in the SNL sketch says.
Lockup was cancelled in 2017 after 16 years on the air.
The SNL sketch is a fake Lockup episode taking viewers inside the Chino Correctional Facility in California.
Saturday Night Live mocked Lori Loughlin (seen above played by Kate McKinnon) as a prison inmate. Three other inmates seen left to right: Chris Redd, Kenan Thompson; and Kyle Mooney
Saturday Night Live mocked Lori Loughlin (seen above played by Kate McKinnon) as a prison inmate. Three other inmates seen left to right: Chris Redd, Kenan Thompson; and Kyle Mooney
In the SNL sketch, Loughlin the inmate joins the Nation of Islam. 'I bought my way in for 100 grand,' she says. 'Plus another 100 for them to stop calling me the white devil'
In the SNL sketch, Loughlin the inmate joins the Nation of Islam. 'I bought my way in for 100 grand,' she says. 'Plus another 100 for them to stop calling me the white devil'
Loughlin and the other three inmates are then joined by Michael Avenatti, played by Pete Davidson
Loughlin and the other three inmates are then joined by Michael Avenatti, played by Pete Davidson 
In real life, Lori Loughlin (pictured right leaving court on April 3 a few steps in front of her husband, Mossimo Giannulli) was one of 50 people arrested for alleged involvement in the college bribery scandal
In real life, Lori Loughlin (pictured right leaving court on April 3 a few steps in front of her husband, Mossimo Giannulli) was one of 50 people arrested for alleged involvement in the college bribery scandal
The sketch begins with three inmates who are sitting in a prison cell.
One of the inmates says he is in prison for armed robbery, another is incarcerated after he was convicted of assault, and a third who ‘stabbed my neighbor to death and ate his fingers so that they couldn’t ID the body.’
‘Damn, that’s insane,’ one of the inmates remarks.
At this point, Kate McKinnon, who plays Lori Loughlin, enters the scene.
‘Oh, yeah? You think that's insane? I paid 500 grand to get my daughter into USC,’ McKinnon’s Loughlin says.
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Michael Avenatti, played above by Pete Davidson, walks into the cell. In real life, Avenatti was indicted this week by federal authorities on fraud charges that could land him in prison for the rest of his life
Michael Avenatti, played above by Pete Davidson, walks into the cell. In real life, Avenatti was indicted this week by federal authorities on fraud charges that could land him in prison for the rest of his life
In real life, Loughlin, the Full House star known for her role as Aunt Becky, is one of 50 people arrested by federal authorities for their involvement in the college bribery scam.
Another acting star, Felicity Huffman, was also arrested, though she and 13 others struck a plea deal with prosecutors.
In real life, Michael Avenatti, shown on April 1 attending court, has been hit with a 36-count federal indictment
In real life, Michael Avenatti, shown on April 1 attending court, has been hit with a 36-count federal indictment 
Loughlin, however, has yet to do so. She could face up to 40 years in prison.
‘I paid 500 grand to a women's crew coach to say my daughter was good at rowing. I'm loco,’ McKinnon’s Loughlin said on SNL.
One of the inmates played by Kenan Thompson asks Loughlin: ‘Hold up. You paid 500 grand for USC?’
‘Oh, yeah. And that's not including the 300 grand I blew on tuition,’ Loughlin says.
‘Oh, my god. What did your daughter major in?’ the inmate asks Loughlin.
‘Communications,’ she says.
‘And you know what her job is now? She's an influencer on Instagram.’
The inmate says: ‘Stop it. I can't hear anymore. Guards, get her away from me!’
To which Loughlin replies: ‘Hey, I own the guards in here. I helped their kids get into a really competitive pre-K.’
When the inmates are ready to crown Avenatti as the 'craziest,' Assange, played by Michael Keaton, walks in
When the inmates are ready to crown Avenatti as the 'craziest,' Assange, played by Michael Keaton, walks in
Keaton's Assange sports an all-black suit, a pony tail, and a long white beard
Keaton's Assange sports an all-black suit, a pony tail, and a long white beard
In the SNL sketch, one of the inmates commented that Assange looks like 'Santa's back on crack'
In the SNL sketch, one of the inmates commented that Assange looks like 'Santa's back on crack'
Keaton's Assange brags about being the 'architect of anarchy' and the 'king of chaos'
Keaton's Assange brags about being the 'architect of anarchy' and the 'king of chaos'
Loughlin then reveals that she joined the Nation of Islam.
'That's right,' she says. 'I bought my way in for 100 grand. 
'Plus another 100 for them to stop calling me the white devil.' 
When an inmate remarks that Loughlin won't survive a week in prison, she replies: 'Oh really? You think prison is hard?
'I have done 68 Hallmark movies. I have seen hell, man!
'And in half those Hallmark movies, I marry Santa's son, so I have lost all sense of reality.' 
She then threatens an inmate, saying: 'I'm gonna take your heart, and I'm gonna cut...it...out.'
'Cut it out' is one of the catchphrases used on the long-running sitcom Full House by Dave Coulier's character, Joey Gladstone. 
Loughlin and the other three inmates are then joined by Michael Avenatti, played by Pete Davidson.
In real life, Assange is seen above being driven in handcuffs to Westminster Magistrates Court in London by police on Thursday
In real life, Assange is seen above being driven in handcuffs to Westminster Magistrates Court in London by police on Thursday
Julian Assange arrested by police at Ecuadorian embassy
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In real life, Avenatti, the combative lawyer known for his battles with President Trump, was indicted on charges of defrauding clients, including allegations that he withheld a multimillion-dollar settlement he won for a paraplegic man, prosecutors said on Thursday. 
The indictment came about three weeks after Avenatti, who gained national fame for representing adult film star Stormy Daniels in her litigation against Trump, was arrested in New York on separate criminal complaints filed by federal prosecutors in New York and California.
'B****, I'm accused of crimes you can't even conceive of, like blackmailing a sneaker company and stealing taxes from a coffee shop to fund a race car team,' Davidson's Avenatti says in the sketch. 
'And I'm so shady that a porn star once said that she needed to distance herself from me. 
'And you know what the worst part is? I might still run for president. Avenatti/Baldwin 2020.' 
All of the inmates then point to another inmate sitting near the corner. It's rapper Teskahi 6ix9ine, played by Melissa Villasenor
All of the inmates then point to another inmate sitting near the corner. It's rapper Teskahi 6ix9ine, played by Melissa Villasenor
'Baldwin' is a reference to Alec Baldwin, the actor and star who frequently appears on SNL to parody Trump.
Earlier this week, Baldwin teased a possible run for the presidency, tweeting that it would be 'so easy' to beat Trump in 2020. 
The 'sneaker company' referenced in the sketch is Nike.
According to federal prosecutors, Avenatti tried to blackmail athletic wear maker Nike for more than $20 million. 
When the inmates are ready to crown Avenatti as the 'craziest,' Assange, played by Michael Keaton, walks in.
Keaton's Assange sports an all-black suit, a pony tail, and a long white beard.
In real life, British police on Thursday dragged the WikiLeaks founder out of Ecuador’s embassy after his seven-year asylum was revoked, paving the way for his extradition to the United States for one of the biggest ever leaks of classified information. 
In real life, it was announced in February that Tekashi 6ix9ine is cooperating with federal prosecutors after pleading guilty to nine crimes and saying he joined a violent New York City gang and helped others try to kill a rival gang member
In real life, it was announced in February that Tekashi 6ix9ine is cooperating with federal prosecutors after pleading guilty to nine crimes and saying he joined a violent New York City gang and helped others try to kill a rival gang member
Keaton's Assange brags that he has hacked into the computers of each inmate. 
In the SNL sketch, one of the inmates commented that Assange looks like 'Santa's back on crack.' 
Keaton's Assange brags about being the 'architect of anarchy' and the 'king of chaos.'
He then threatens the other inmates by posting their 'ding-dong pics on the internet.'
Assange then brags about how 'crazy' he is.
He says: 'I'm wanted in the U.S. And Sweden. 
'I'm from Australia. I live in London, in Ecuador. You try figuring that one out. 
'Yeah, you cheat your schools and, you know, you rob your companies. That's cute. It is, yeah. 
'I've attacked the U.S. Military, b******, because I'm an actual James bond super villain and I'm one step away from destroying the goddamn moon. 
'So you want to get nuts? Come on, let's get nuts.'
The 'let's get nuts' line is the same line that Keaton used while playing Bruce Wayne opposite Jack Nicholson in Tim Burton's 1989 film Batman. 
The inmates brag about how 'fun' prison is given the zany cast of characters
The inmates brag about how 'fun' prison is given the zany cast of characters
Assange then jokes: 'Is there a bathroom around here because I really have to take a wikileak.' 
All of the inmates then point to another inmate sitting near the corner. It's rapper Teskahi 6ix9ine, played by Melissa Villasenor.
In real life, it was announced in February that Tekashi 6ix9ine is cooperating with federal prosecutors after pleading guilty to nine crimes and saying he joined a violent New York City gang and helped others try to kill a rival gang member.
The plea was entered by the 22-year-old rapper, whose legal name is Daniel Hernandez.
Known almost as much for his tattooed, rainbow-haired look as for his music, 6ix9ine was a social media phenomenon before becoming an ascendant name in hip-hop.
In the SNL sketch, Villasenor's Tekashi says when asked if he was in prison for something crazy: 'No, just robbery and gun stuff. It's so bad.'

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