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Hollywood Prepares To Ruin Film Franchises For Our Moral Betterment [Satire]

The following is satirical.

Hollywood has announced plans to deepen our moral understanding by ruining all our favorite film franchises through identity politics, then daring us to protest so they can call us small-minded bigots. The industry that brought us the casting couch, the normalization of pedophilia, me-too, you-too, too-too and Harvey Weinstein too says it will use its famous compassion-powered moral compass to insure that, from now on, not a moment of entertainment will go by that is not chock-full of mind-expanding diversity and tolerance for everything except differing opinions.

President of the Motion Picture Academy of Moral Rectitude Jeffrey Epstein made the announcement in an interview to a female reporter with the Hollywood Junior High School Daily, saying, “Who does not feel a thrill of anticipation at seeing what we here in Hollywood are about to do to all your favorite movie heroes in order to insure your moral betterment? For instance, the new James Bond film, Thunderball-less, will feature a trans-gender Double-O Seven who spends the first 90 minutes of the two-hour flick apologizing to all the women he misused before he became one of them, and thereby gathered a greater understanding of how horrifying it was for those poor females to be brought to orgasm after orgasm by such a cruelly uncaring world-saving super-spy. Then, of course, the Marvel Universe will be reconstituted into the Moral Universe as such toxic masculine heroes as Thor, Hulk and Iron Man are transformed into homosexuals, women and other whiny minorities who eschew spectacular city-destroying battles in order to lecture the audience about how racist they are for not paying 20 bucks to watch this costumed consciousness-raising session. Hm boy. I say: Pass the popcorn.”

Epstein says he plans to oversee the new slate of morally perfect movies himself, assuming he’s not convicted at his trial for luring underaged girls into prostitution like everyone else in Hollywood.

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